Category Archives: Addictions

Don’t Think So Lowly Of Yourself!

Posted on September 30, 2011 by Andrea Graham| Comments Off

Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you. (1 Peter 5:5b-6)

I know what some of you are thinking: the title and this verse don’t match. Points to you for paying attention. Others I’m sure got only as far as the title before they stopped there, thinking, “Wait, that’s backwards, the bible tells us not to think too highly of ourselves.”

Yes, it does, but if you’re mentally correcting me,  you’re likely not afflicted with arrogance in reality and likely in no need of a lesson on humility. Our focus today is the part about the humble being exalted by God at the proper time.

Thing is, too many of us haven’t been taught humility right. We’ve been told to get our faces down on the floor and keep them there by abusers who misuse the bible to keep us “in our place,” which is in their control and serving them rather than God. Abusers trained us to equate being humble with thinking lowly of ourselves. So the proper time comes, and  God sends someone to come to us and lift us up as he promised, we rebel against His will and reject him.

Maybe we don’t out right rebuke the vessel of his grace, but we usually do politely ignore the person “tempting me to sinful pride” or we subtly reject God with an audaciously hypocritical, “thank the Lord.” We may claim we’re only instructing a misguided person to give credit where credit is due. In reality, we’re not the Lord and can’t know for sure that they haven’t offered him thanks, too. So we have no business saying something so rude and judgmental. That answer springs from spiritual arrogance, not humility.

The true humble answer to gratitude and/or praise is a sincere “You’re welcome” or “Thank you.” After the simple courtesy, if the person isn’t a believer, by all means, take the opportunity to tell them about the hope within you, if God leads.

On the flip side, while pride leads to a fall, thinking lowly of ourselves follows being already fallen and keeps us unable to get up because we think we can’t.

We tell ourselves we’re losers. We tell ourselves we can’t win. We can’t lose weight. We can’t stop getting drunk all of the time. We can’t resist the temptation to sin sexually. We can’t control our tempers. We can’t, we can’t, we can’t.

Brothers and sisters, whatever weakness we are struggling with today, telling ourselves we can’t overcome it, God is holding out his hand to us, and saying  to stop thinking so lowly of ourselves. Confess your weakness to God, accept the affirmation and encouragement he offers, and let him exalt you from the low position of guilty sinner to the saint on high that you are in Christ by grace.

Lord, forgive us for thinking too lowly of ourselves. Help us to stop seeing ourselves through the darkness of the failures, flaws, and mistakes of the past and present. Help us to focus on the good work you are doing in us and to believe that is who we truly are and who we can become with your spirit of power, love, and self control/sound mind in us. In Jesus name we pray, amen.

 

Posted in Abuse, Addictions, God's promises, Grace, Prayer and Devotions, Sin and Holiness

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Hoping to be the future Mrs. Wrong?

Posted on February 23, 2007 by Andrea Graham| 7 Comments

I recieved a private letter that I won’t disclose, but imagine any number of ladies reading this could have written something along the following lines:

Dear Andrea,

My fiance/boyfriend confessed to a porn addiction/ongoing use and suggested I might want to call off the engagement/stop seeing him. I’ve read up on this subject, so I have an idea of how hard our life together would be, but …. (insert excuses reasons for wanting to marry Mr. Wrong here.)

In short, I love him, and if I say yes (or continue in the engagement) I can help him overcome this even though right now he’s ready to give up and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I’d be better able to help him and surely my love can save him. Right? He needs me. How can I reject him?

Signed,

the Future Mrs. Wrong

If you see yourself in this letter, the following is for you:
Dear Future Mrs. Wrong,

Beloved, I realize you love him, but frankly, he’s done the most loving thing he can in allowing for an amicable parting as friends. As long as he’s struggling with this, and especially if he’s not willing, or able, to do what it takes to overcome this, marrying him would bring you little but heartache and could even end in divorce. You can be his friend (after taking time away from him to refocus) and that is what he needs, but it would not be good for either of you to continue pursing a romantic relationship.

Marry someone spiritually stronger than yourself, someone you can look up to and respect, not to mention someone you can trust, in terms of both his faithfulness and judgment. He’s sick, and if you were married to him already, or his illness were physical in nature, that would be one thing. But a wife’s first duty towards her husband is respect him and follow his spiritual leadership (if that makes you cringe, note part of his role involves delegating to you the tasks/decisions in which you are clearly more gifted, but you may have to let him figure that out the hard way if his pride gets in the way.) But it comes down to this: with this kind of spiritual sickness, neither of you could fill your proper roles in marriage, and that would lead to nothing but heartache.

When evaluating a potential husband, ask yourself: Is he respectable, is he honorable? Do I respect him and treat him with honor? Is he someone I can look to as my spiritual authority (head), trusting in his judgment, his ability to make good decisions? Is this man going the same direction I am, and if not, could I ever follow his direction, or at least be a help to him in his calling while following complementary goals of my own? A wife, according to God’s design, is to be a helper fit to assist her husband in his calling, or mission in life , not a nurse maid, and definitely not his mother.

Women want loved first and foremost, but for men, it’s to be respected. As unbelievable as it is to us women, most men, if they had to chose between the two, would rather have respect without love than love without respect (which explains, in past cultures where the duty fell to him, why a father usually sought for his daughter a respectable husband even if it meant the exclusion of love.) So you’d do well to seek a man who will meet your basic need for love and who you can also meet his basic need for respect.

I’d suggest visiting forums for wives of sexual addicts (such as Shelley Lubben Forums or those listed at Bebroken.com :: Wives Links). Read some of their stories and talk to them, so you’ll have a better idea of what you’d be getting into.

Also, I’d recommend you at the least take some time apart, find a nice quiet spot where you can think clearly, and pray and fast unto the Lord, asking Him to reveal His will to you. I’d say Mr. Wrong doesn’t need a fiancé, wife, or for that matter any position of spirtual leadership, especially ones that would give him easy access to vulnerable children and women and others the pornography might tempt him to harm. What he does need is your prayers, the Lord’s healing, and friends he’ll allow to hold him accountable (preferably men, this disease makes it difficult to not relate to women as sex objects–that goes for children also, depending on his viewing habits.) If he’s giving up and not willing to be held accountable, I’d say don’t walk, but run from this relationship.

Ask the Lord to open your eyes to see clearly. The hormones raging in your blood stream are deceptive and will lead you straight into harm’s way.

As to concerns about rejecting Mr. Wrong, whether he realizes or accepts this or not, he needs your love as a sister in the Lord, not a romantic entanglement. Find a man you can accept, respect, and look up to just as he is, not one where you can do this after x number of changes which you hope your love will make. It won’t. Only God’s can. All you can do is keep reminding him of–or point him to–the Truth and encourage him to walk in it rather than lies. But that will require establishing clear platonic boundaries.

Now, circumstances sometimes do change, and God can change a man who wants to change, certainly. If later on, he actually does prove he has come out of this victorious and becomes a man you can respect and look up to, someone you can lean on as much as he does you, I am not one to hang past sins forever over the head of the repentant and would not suggest you do so either.

Still, we have ladies, when dealing with a tiger, who want to say: “we can marry if you make x changes” or, worse, “I’ll marry you if you promise to make x changes.” I highly recommend avoiding such statements, as that’s not fair to either of you. A marriage partner is an as-is deal and you have to evaluate prospective husbands as if what you have today is what he will always be (but do pray for his soul, spiritual growth, and healing of course.) Promises made by mortals mean little as they are often broken, and changes made to hook a fish last about as long as the courtship; once he has you safely in the bonds of matrimony, Mr. Wrong often reverts back to his native stripes. And that’s especially true in the case of pornography, as even with the most sincere efforts, this demon has a way of coming back to torture a man again. A good man can overcome with the power of Christ’s blood, but it’s never an easy battle for him. So make sure, if you’re planning to go forward into matrimony with a man who struggles or has struggled with that weakness, that you’re doing so with both eyes open.

In Christ’s Love,

Andrea Graham

Coming this April: Light at the Edge of Darkness, An Anthology of Biblical Speculative Fiction
Featuring: FROZEN GENERATION a short story by Andrea Graham

Venture to futures where faith equates to terrorism. Where terrorists smuggle frozen embryos to save lives and resist invasive technologies designed to break their very souls

http://thewriterscafepress.com/advance-orders.html

Trackposted to Perri Nelson’s Website, third world county, A Blog For All, The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns, basil’s blog, The World According to Carl, Pirate’s Cove, Cao’s Blog, The Amboy Times, The Bullwinkle Blog, and Conservative Cat, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.

Posted in Addictions, Dating and Courtship

To Go or Not to Go…

Posted on February 16, 2007 by Andrea Graham| Comments Off

 Dear Andrea,
After a weekened visit to my parents house by myself, i came back home with an awkward feeling and some suspicions. I checked our computers history, and to my surprise found a bunch of pornorgraphic websites that my husband had visited over the weekened..all viewed at night time. Due to his actions i lost complete trust in him and am having a hard time regaining it back. I feel like our sex life has gone down hill. My husband makes me feel like a sex object that is only used to his advantage. One evening while taking a walk i decided to take the opportunity to confront him about it. He looked embarrased and ashamed…and he denied it at first..until i got the truth out of him. The sad thing is that i live with the guilt of wanting to divorce him. We have a three mth old baby together which we both love dearly. Would i be a bad mother/spouse for leaving my husband and my baby without a father?

Sincerely,

Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy wife,

I understand your feelings. It is a hard thing to deal with. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. If you were in his position, would he be a bad husband and father for divorcing you and taking the children from you?
Adultery is an offense you can biblically divorce over, and based on scripture and the nature of the beast, porn can be considered a form of adultery. But do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If your husband is willing to work things out and take the steps necessary to be faithful to you from now on, by all means, stay, get into counseling with him, and get yourself the help you need to come to terms with this.
If, however, he will not repent, and you’ve given him every opportunity to, and your conscience doesn’t tell you otherwise, then you are free.

If the child is a boy, I highly recommend Bringing Up Boys: Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next Generation of Men. As the book says, boys need their fathers to learn how to be a man. A girl likewise learns how to relate to her husband from her relationship with her father. An absent father is associated with sexual disorders and disfunctions of all colors.

But any father isn’t necessarily better than none. An emotionally absent father (which porn addicts have a high rate of being) or otherwise not modeling positive, loving relationships can be just as bad. If the addict will not repent and straighten his life out, the child will suffer whether you divorce him or not. So for the ladies dealing with a stiff-necked man who won’t repent and turn back to his covenant, if the Lord releases you, if you trust Him, He can also provide a good father for your children (one way or another.)

But if he will repent–stick it out and get to counseling for help to heal the breach and rebuild trust. It may seem hopeless now, but by the grace of God, your marriage can recover. It takes both spouses being committed to working it out, however.

In Christ’s Love,

Andrea Graham

adamsweb.us/bios.html

Coming April 2007–Light at the Edge of Darkness–Advance Orders

Posted in Addictions, Divorce, Marriage

Spouse of an Addict? Don’t handle it alone.

Posted on January 24, 2007 by Andrea Graham| 12 Comments

 Dear Andrea,
I was searching for some “Counsel” on this subject myself, and found it comforting to find your comments and advice on the effects of pornography on a marriage relationship. I have also had this issue affect my life for the past six years. A few months into our marriage I discovered my husband was looking at porn in the internet. I was shocked since he had portrayed himself to be a very dedicated Christian man when I married him, and I believed our sex life was awesome. He also had never admitted he had an addiction to the porn and has never admitted to how often he visits these sites. I know of dozens of times because of finding evidence in our internet history. As the years went by the sites he visited were more and more “hard-core”. Yet he never admitted he was “addicted”. He continued to go to church and appear to be a devoted Christian husband and leader to the outside world. It has affected how I see him as a husband and a man. It has affected me sexually, because I do feel like he has cheated on me. We have gone to two different counselors, and each time I hoped it would stop. It didn’t. He became more clever in covering his tracks. And it is true that he also had other areas in his life that Satan was also able to infiltrate. He is very emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive to me. He has often made me feel like I am to blame for his actions. Even though he now claims he no longer looks at porn, I don’t believe him because nothing has changed in the way he treats me. And he has never shown any remorse for what he did and has never really agreed to ways to become more accountable by putting “blocks” on his computer or by seeking intensive counseling for addiction (which he wouldn not do since he doesn’t believe he ever had an addiction to it). At this point I feel like my relationship and faith in him has been damaged to the point that I no longer want to be his wife. I do feel that our marriage bed has been defiled, and his claims that he no longer looks at porn does not suffice to mend any damage done, especially when he continues to have this hot/cold attitude toward me. As a Christian woman I feel especially betrayed, because I believed I was married to a man of God, whom I could trust. And now, being a Christian woman, I suffer with guilt for wanting to divorce him…..yet I know I cannot endure the mental anguish this causes for me being his wife.–Leah K.

Dear, you can’t handle this alone. Talk to your pastor, other women who have been through this. Give counseling one last chance before you give up on him. Let him know as quietly and gently as possible, if he doesn’t take his problem serious and get help, he will lose you.

And for the record, it’s not your fault. The addiction feeds itself. No real woman can compare to the fantasy porn creates. Porn warps a man’s mind to view all women as sex objects, and most fail to measure up to the fantasy. He may or may not have stopped, the poison remains in the man’s system long after he’s quit feeding new images into his brain. If he has stopped, though, nagging and continued distrust will be used as an excuse to go back.

Try explaining to him how this has broken your trust and that you need help from a third party to regain it and would like him to go with you to counseling. Emphasizing how this has effected you and your need may make it easier for him, and the counselor may be able to help him take more responsibility for what he’s done.

What it comes down to is this–if after serious prayer, you reach peace that what he has done is adultery and you are free from your vows–before you take that step, let him know what’s coming and give him a chance to make things right.

But you must remain calm and use non-accusatory language (I feel I can’t trust you, rather than you’ve broken my trust.) Hysterics and statements like, “You never…” and “You always…” , while understandable, will put most men on the defensive and ultimately backfires

Another great page I came across, that may help: Dear Hearts–Encouragement for the spouse of a porn addict

And here’sa support group for those affected by a friend or relative’s sexual addiction:
http://www.sanon.org/SANON.HTM

And you might be interested in the Christian Wives of Addicts which has a forum for wives of porn addicts.

By the way, if you decide to confront him again, try practicing by “role playing” with a trusted friend until you know you can say what needs said and remain calm.

Thank you for your comments on this blog. I’m glad to be of service.

In Christ’s Love,

Andrea Graham

Trackposted to Outside the Beltway, Perri Nelson’s Website, Is It Just Me?, The Random Yak, Woman Honor Thyself, Adam’s Blog, stikNstein… has no mercy, Big Dog’s Weblog, basil’s blog, Stuck On Stupid, The Bullwinkle Blog, Dumb Ox Daily News, and Right Voices, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.

Posted in Addictions, Marriage

Intervention: Confronting Adultery Committed with a Fantasy

Posted on December 20, 2006 by Andrea Graham| 8 Comments

Dear Andrea,

My husband, age 53, married 28 years, has been frequenting porn sites on the internet, but insists that he is “not addicted.” (As if that makes it all right…) Up until a year ago he was a faithful Christian, daily quiet time, consistent church attendance, Bible study, etc. We met while working for a missions organization. Now he has stopped going to church or Bible study. He refuses to discuss spiritual things with me.

My question is, what is my moral obligation with respect to his porn problem? Do I wait patiently and hope it goes away while I pray for him? Do I confront him? Do I withhold sex?

I am ready to take a stand and even force him to choose — me or porn. But I am not convinced that is the best approach. What do you advise?

Carol

Dear Carol,

Your husband is a classic case of how porn poisons a man and robs him of everything he once held dear. He’s also a classic addict, in that he denies having a problem and is in desperate need of an intervention. Since he has refused to hear you, do as the bible says and take one or two others from the church (such as your pastor and his wife) with you.

If your church doesn’t have adequate experience dealing with porn addictions, you may want to visit the following page http://www.intervention911.com/intervention911_porn_info.htm and consider calling their number for a free consultation on conducting an intervention. Note I have no relationship with these people and cannot vouch for them.

Another page, with information on interventions, is: http://www.addictionintervention.com/intervention/what_is_int_fa.asp

A page with more specific information:

http://www.druginterventions.net/conducting.htm

This last one was written with substance abuse problems in mind, but many of the same principles apply to this kind of addiction as well.

Lastly, a specifically Christian resource: http://www.truthminers.com/truth/help_for_porn_addicts.htm

 

Another Christian resource with information on porn addiction: http://www.xxxchurch.com/index2.htm

Note it’s designed to make porn addicts mad by tricking them onto the page.

I have to agree with them, your husband needs counseling to overcome this addiction, and you both will need counseling for your marriage to survive, and you have every right to make getting that counseling a prerequisite, although to warn you, using the language of an ultimatum tends to backfire with most men, so you’ll need to be careful with how you word it and say it. Gentle, loving, but firm. You need your brothers and sisters in Christ, and His Spirit, to accomplish that.

I don’t blame you one bit for being squeamish about sleeping with him at this time. He’s committing adultery with a fantasy woman. Jesus made no bones about that, “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart..” (Matthew 5:28, Modern KJV) He’s also already broken his vows in his heart.

Pray for him no matter what, but it won’t go away on it’s own. If your heart is telling you spiritual adultery isn’t sufficient cause for divorce, the sad truth is, he’ll likely give you cause soon enough, if he doesn’t first admit he has a problem and get help, as this will grow worse and worse until he acts on his fantasies. Depending on what he’s viewing, acting out his fantasies could rightfully land him in a jail cell as well as in divorce court.

Some reading this are wondering: How does a godly, Christian man end up in such a trap? Before you question his ever having been seriously committed to Christ, remember men are visual creatures, the sight of a woman in any state of undress is as stimulating for them as loving caress is for a woman. Those images tend to stick in the memory indefinitely and are hard to get rid of. Most men are first introduced to pornographic images quite by accident, perhaps in a place as seemingly innocent as the lingerie section of a department store, and too often they first are fed this poison as young boys, with the image lying dormant for years only to be triggered again some time after puberty. Some of our men successfully brandish their swords and shields and dodge this too-common fiery dart of the enemy. Others are hit and fall before it, as this husband has, tearing apart his household in the process.

Because this is such a terrible weakness for men, I must add that way too much of the attire modern society approves of falls into the category of undress, as young women have been taught to be stumbling stones to our poor men. Every young woman reading this column should carefully and prayerfully examine her wardrobe, lest she, in fact, be the first “pornographic image” to take root in her Christian brother’s soul. Anything that accentuates and shows off your feminine figure could be a gateway to a dark, unending nightmare for a man and his family. While the world flaunts it, may the women of God save it for their husbands eyes, lest she cause her brother to stumble—not to mention damage her own witness. Men don’t take objects of their lust too serious, last I checked.

I know what you’re thinking, Ladies, I’ve had the same thoughts. I plead with you as Sisters in the Lord, for once, cut the excuses and put our brothers’ weakness ahead of your freedom.

Love in Christ,

Andrea Graham

Trackposted to Adam’s Blog,Rightwing Guy, Perri Nelson’s Website, third world county, The Random Yak, The Hill Chronicles, Stuck On Stupid, The Bullwinkle Blog, Dumb Ox News, and Conservative Cat, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.

Posted in Addictions, Marriage

Counseling Critical to Surviving Marital Unfaithfulness

Posted on August 3, 2006 by Andrea Graham| 1 Comment

Dear Hopeful,

First, I commend your desire to make your marriage work, though unfaithfulness is a legitimate, biblically sound reason to divorce, particularly if the guilty partner is unrepentant. If your husband had confessed adultery, repented, and asked forgiveness, in such a case I would say the law of forgiveness would have you to stay, but otherwise you are not bound to your husband in the case of adultery.

Your husband’s disinterest is NOT your fault. That is what pornography does. Reality simply cannot compete with the fantasy pornography tantalizes the viewer with. Kept up long enough, and the man will inevitably seek to act out his fantasies as well.

I would pray and fast to seek God’s direction. Jesus also said any man who has looked upon a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart, so pornography alone could reasonably be considered a divorceable offence, but that decision should never be reached lightly. Even when you have a biblical, legitimate reason for divorce, you have Dear Abby’s favorite question, are you better off with him or without him? As well as what God would have you to do. I don’t think you’re quite there yet.

The tact you take will depend on your convictions concerning submission, but if your convictions don’t tell you otherwise, in such a situation, I don’t think it would be unreasonable to explain to your husband—gently—that if he wants this marriage to work out, you must seek marriage counseling. Whether you require him to go or just insist on him allowing you to go alone is to your discretion, but try to avoid wording this as an ultimatum as some men will dig in their heels.

If you take the latter tact, pray, and if the Holy Spirit tells you I have spoken wisely, tell your husband you want to make this marriage work, but in order to do so, you, yourself need counseling and if you don’t get it the marriage is doomed. Try not to point fingers at him, he has it coming, but it won’t make your case. Do lay your own cards on the table. Be polite, be gentle, admit freely to your own problems, yet make it clear, without counseling, your marriage is going to fail.

Above all, pray. For yourself as well as for him. Cry out to God, He is your helper and your strength in times of trouble. If you ask, He can even reveal to you whether your husband has acted upon the lust in his heart.

One way or another, you definitely want to get the matter resolved before children enter the picture. Things get all the more harder when you have a child’s interests to consider.

I will tell you this: for your marriage to survive, God must change your husband’s heart concerning martial counseling. You cannot keep this marriage alive by yourself. To save the marriage, your husband must repent, or at the least allow you to seek help on your own. I highly recommend undertaking a three-day fast before approaching your husband on this. It could help save your marriage.

Love in Christ,
Andrea

P.S. If you’ve fasted before, go with a total fast or a water-only fast, otherwise, a bread and water fast or liquid fast will do.

Posted in Addictions, Adultery, Marriage