Category Archives: Family and Friends

Dear Andrea

I am about to become a mother-in-law. Our family has always been close-knit and Christian. Since becoming engaged, our son has been pulling away emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically from us. While I realize a certain amount of this is normal, I am feeling left out and no longer a part of his life. His siblings and my husband agree that he has become “obsessed” with his fiance and she has become everything to him.

Furthermore, we are hearing things she is saying to discredit us in little ways, for example, “Your parents favor your sister over you. My friend noticed it too.” Another issue came up when our son asked me for prayer regarding a career decision, when she heard about it she said he shouldn’t have told his family, it was their secret and we would influence his decision. It was just normal for one of our children to ask for prayer or guidance. Sadly, he doesn’t ask anymore.

Yes, they both have a profession of faith and salvation in Christ, yet it doesn’t seem to be the center of their relationship. I do like his fiance and want her to feel accepted and loved. I am grieved, but more than that I want to know the right way to be involved with them, how to draw both of them in and how to get over the criticism. Sadly, he is buying into the negativity.

My other children feel hurt and rejected and I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t want to be one of those critical, bitter mother-in-laws we hear so much about. I want this marriage to add to our family, not take away from it. Thanks for ANY advice. I was searching high and low for some godly, Biblical wisdom when I stumbled upon your site. After reading some of the answers you have given it is apparent you are a person of integrity and use the Bible to back up your answers. Additionally, do you know of any sound Christian books on being a mother-in-law?

Truly at a loss,
Vivienne

Dear Vivienne,

Thank you for your kind words, I hope I can offer some encouragement in your determination to be a good mother-in-law. I don’t normally do this, but the Spirit impressed it upon me to open by praying with you, so mentally take my hand, or however you’re comfortable praying. I also don’t normally pray like this, but it also feels right.

Father, I’m coming before you today with my sister Vivienne. She and her family are feeling hurt and rejected, Lord, a new woman has come into her son’s life and seems to be shoving her aside. Lord, we’re very concerned that this woman is dragging her son down spiritually. Vivienne needs your direction, your wisdom, and your comfort today, Father. Lord, you know what she’s feeling; if Vivienne’s discerned right, this woman is seeking to take your place, too, in her son’s life. We’re coming together before you, Lord, and we ask you to open his eyes, Lord, if this union is not of you. We ask you to draw her son and his fiancé both into a deeper relationship with you, to place you in the first place in their hearts, not themselves, not each other. We ask you to bind this family together, Lord, and that your spirit would infuse all that they do, for your word says a cord of three strands is not easily broken.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

If your son marries the wrong woman, it would bring suffering on him in the future, but all you can really do about that is warn him once, maybe twice, and pray, pray, pray. And love them, but in this world, that’s gotten distorted. You’ve probably read it before, but so have I, and I find myself needing a deeper study of the love chapter, or specifically, 1 Cor 13 4-7:

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The love the world proposes is a combination of lust and rejoicing in iniquity at the expense of the truth. Love does not approve of what God condemns, but rather rejoices in the hope of redemption. Critical attiudes are definitely out, but fruit inspecting is not only permitted, it’s required. Fruit inspecting is what your son ought to be doing, but is no doubt too overwhelmed by his hormones. He would be wise to listen to Godly counsel of those able to see more clearly.

As you indicated in the letter, it is typical for those “in love” to obsess with each other. My husband and I were no exception, and I even withdrew from my family, but I had quite the opposite situation, my family doesn’t really know the Lord and served as a stumbling block, and my husband helped me get away from a bad situation.

Separating a lamb from the ewe, however, is what a wolf does.

Mathew 7:15-20 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them.

Mathew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’

So many today, including my loved ones, profess Christ as Savior, but deny him as Lord in their hearts, if not with their mouths. And, as this scripture makes clear, you cannot have Christ as Savior unless he is also Lord.

Can we know what is in a man’s heart? Watch the way he lives and the words he speaks, for the word says, “out of the over flow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Or, as I’ve said, inspect their fruit, whether they be evil or good. And the bible gives us a dandy list:

Galatians 5:19-25 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

So what does the fruit inspection turn up? Does this woman live for God, or does she sow to the flesh? Does she live to please God or does she live to please herself? Does she wallow in unrepentant sin, or does she merely have a few areas she’s struggling in? I can’t tell you that. But God can.

Furthermore, check our your son’s fruit while you’re at it, especially concerning whether his fruit ever indicated he had truly submitted to Christ as His Lord. It’s possible this woman is dragging him down—it’s also possible he never really had Christ at the center of his life to begin with, in which case breaking them up wouldn’t do any good even if it were possible. The God I know would be apt in that case to turn him over to her, letting him reap the wages of sin until he gets so sick of himself he’s willing to surrender the throne of his heart to Christ our Lord.

It also won’t hurt to check yourself while you’re fruit inspecting. Ask God to show you if any of her accusations against you have truth to them. If so, you can make a huge difference by showing yourself willing to apologize for what you bring to the table. It could also open up an opportunity to discuss your concerns with him.

I’m afraid I’m not familiar enough with the books on the subject to give any a seal of approval. Still, you would probably find a bible study on the love chapter or the fruits of the spirit beneficial. Your church library might have something and I’m sure your local Christian bookstore would be happy to assist.

I did a quick search on Amazon, though, and this sounds like a title you might find helpful: The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman Especially since it got several complaints by secular readers for it’s Christian content.

The publisher’s unfamiliar here, but Amazon indicates this is a Christian Title: Just Call Me Mom: Practical Steps to Becoming a Better Mother-In-Law by Mary Tatum

And this one’s from Thomas Nelson, a Christian publisher: 52 Ways to Be a Great Mother-In-Law by Claudia Arp

In Christ,
Andrea

Andrea,

I was married three years ago to a christian man. He had built a new house five years prior with his mother. She didn’t live up to her end of the deal so he had her name removed from the house but still let her live there for free. She owned a house that she was renting. Well we met and deceided to get married thats when she started hating me. He told her she needed to move out and she could live in my house until her renters lease came up.

She came to my house and jumped on me for taking her easy street away from her. On our wedding day she pouted all day she left the wedding early. We go visit her she won’t speak to me. She talks smart to me when she does talk to me. I’ve had her over for dinner she runs my cooking down. She use to go to the same church as us ( but she got mad at the preacher he wouldn’t let her read a poem up front unless she would wear a dress) She would sit and want my husband to sit next to her then there wouldn’t be room for me she would want him to sit there with his arm around her because she was cold….

We have a little boy now she got mad when he was first born because she said I was feeding him to much…. She was over one day and wouldn’t feed him she said he had gas so I told her if she wasn’t going to feed him to give him to me and I would my husband took me in the other room and jumped on me and told me I don’t talk to his mother like that. But she can sit there and tell what a bad mother I am and that I don’t fool with him and he needs to stay with somebody that would. He will not say a would to her but I’m not allowed to say anything back to her or he jumps on me in front of her which she enjoys.

…She told him he had a choice to pick me or her and if he picked me he wasn’t her son no more he picked me. She hasn’t called here since but she sends me cards and signs them Marks mother underlines mother and she puts salvation tracks in them. She won’t have holiday meals anymore because she says her house is to small.

…My mother and I are very close and [my mother-in-law] is very jealous of that relationship. When we got married she told me she was my mother now and for me to quit having anything to do with my family. I haven’t all the other in laws have. She tells people all kinds of stories to make me look bad. All his siblings will not talk to him…

We are expecting another child. I would love to get this realtionship healed before it is born. Please help me. I’m awful worried I would love to have a good realtionship with her but I don’t know how. she is not a nice person.

Worried in ohio

Dear Worried,

I don’t think I need to tell you your mother-in-law is a control freak, to put it nicely. I’m starting to think there’s one of those in every family.

Now, they say there is two sides to every story, and unless you’re a saint in the catholic sense, or too cowed by her, at one point or another, you’ve returned fire. While the bible does say, “honor your mother,” it also says, in about four different places, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:31) So, regardless of your contribution, your husband has been breaking a cardinal rule of marriage: Don’t let your parents bad-mouth your spouse. Instead of riding you all the time, he should be saying, “Mom, I love you, but don’t talk to my wife like that.” At least he figured out he should pick his wife over his mother on that one occassion, but that doesn’t excuse the rest of it.

As to what you could do to heal the relationship, you could go to her, take responsiblity for returning fire, and ask for her forgiveness. However, even if she granted it, without a heart-change, she’s just going to continue behavior that is destructive to your marriage and even has some classic signs of abuse. It might be in your family’s best interest to sever the ties with her (and first telling her why, a letter might work best) and pray, pray, pray for God to give her a new heart.

Love in Christ,
Andrea

P.S. if you do feel your mother-in-law is emotionally abusive, I urge you to seek professional medical help, your pastor should be able to make a recommendation.

One of my best friends of 12 years has been behaving in a way I feel is inapproprite towards my husband. Before my husband “Jim” and I were married, I introduced my friend “Sandy” to him. She immediately began calling him on his private phone line, sending him emails at his private email address, and visiting him when I wasn’t around. She bought him dinners & drinks and gave him expensive gifts. Once she even spent the night with him and left her underwear on the floor….At first, Jim insisted that he didn’t see anything wrong with spending time with, and accepting gifts from, someone he wasn’t going to have sex with. I was so upset, however, he eventually agreed to stop having anything to do with Sandy….

The problem is that I don’t know how to forgive Sandy. I have tried to express to her how I feel about what she has done with Jim, but she doesn’t seem to care. She insists she hasn’t done anything inapproprite, and that I am selfish, overly controlling of Jim, manipulative, and jealous. She is 13 years older than me, and… has often behaved in a very motherly way towards me. She has bought me dinner & drinks & expensive gifts. She claims she just wants to “mother” Jim too. I am certain there is more to her feelings for him than that, but what if I am wrong? What if I am right, but I still shouldn’t complain after all she has done for me? I am very sad to lose one of my oldest, closest friends, but I don’t know what I can do about it. She is angry at me and doesn’t try to get in touch with me anymore. I feel so hurt and angry every time I think about her I’ve just been ignoring her lately too. What should I do?

Did Sandy or your husband ever attempt to hide their behavior? Sin hides in darkness. The more open they are (or were,) the more likely it is no harm was intended. Leaving undergarments behind and spending the night alone is a very bad sign, however. All relationships are different, but for an example, privacy is not something me and my husband worry about, we know each other’s passwords and don’t care if our spouse reads our email. My parents are the same way, though I’m nowhere near as nosy as my mother. With Adam, we trust each other, so we don’t really feel the need to check on each other, but neither of us would get bent out of shape over it.

If you ask Him, the Lord can reveal to you the truth (fasting can open the door if you’re not getting an answer.) From what you’ve said, though, her behavior doesn’t sound appropriate to me. Except MAYBE with pastoral counseling, I don’t think it’s ever really appropriate to be spending significant amounts of time alone with a nonrelative of the opposite gender. Even if the physical sin is never commited, it’s also possible to have an emotional affair. That can be painful enough in itself, even more so with a close friend. Often people in these didn’t intend for it to happen, but are still responsible for not guarding their hearts.

Unforunately, though, there does come a point where all you can do is pray for the person (not just once, but daily.) It’s never easy, especially with a close friend that has hurt, used, or betrayed you. Prayer can give you the strength to forgive (to let go of pain and bitterness) and sometimes, in time, it even leads to repentance and reconciliation.

Love in Christ,
Andrea